somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
