Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
