Well apparently he's into motor boating.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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