I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
