You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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