Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
