She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
