peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
