Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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