Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
