Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
