In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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