we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
