I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
