my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
