i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
