Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
