I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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