i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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