she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
