i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
