I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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