I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
