wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
