Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
