she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
