I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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