Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
