I feel like I'm in dance class right now
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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