I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
