these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
