So drunk its hurt
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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