Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
