First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Randomize
