FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
