The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
