DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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