she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
