I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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