He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
