and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
