look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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