Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
