R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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