Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
