how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
