dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
