True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm having to shit out rocks
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