i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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