I have demons in me.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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