her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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